Feeling “fine, just busy” and not sure what you need? What’s really going on?
Before I did my healing work, this was certainly a pattern for me. I was busy, I liked my job, I knew I was seeing too many people… but we all do, right? I talked to my clients about taking breaks and self-care; and if I (briefly) thought about it, I was a bit surprised how little I needed to keep going. I assumed I was fine.
Spoiler alert – I was wrong. As Bessel Vander Kolk says, “the body keeps the score”. My mind may have thought that it was running the show. May have thought that because I wasn’t “stressed” that I was OK.
What I didn’t fully appreciate was how disconnected I had become from my body. Lucky for me, my body sent me a sign that I couldn’t ignore - a bunch of cells that decided to go rogue and became invasive.
In hindsight, I think that my body had been asking for me to pay attention for quite some time. Some of you may be thinking, “of course!”. But I also know that for many people in care giving roles, and certainly in the health profession, not paying attention to our bodies, (let alone our ‘self’ or needs) has become habitual.
We’ve been well trained to be there for others, to care for them in their time of need. But not so well prepared to care for ourselves.
And, yes (to those of you want to protest that we need to), studies have shown that a certain level of disconnect can be functional, whilst on the job.
The thing is many of us don’t switch out of our disconnect. Many of us falsely assume that because we don’t actively feel stressed, that nervous system is regulated. That everything is fine.
Why do we disconnect from our needs?
I think that there are a couple of reasons for this. Firstly, it is very common for health professionals to have grown up in homes where being a good helper, taking care of others, became linked to our self-worth. What this means is, that as little ones, we had messages that getting on in the world, being a good girl, meant putting others first. Essentially, paying attention to others’ needs at the expense of our own.
When there is no one to tune into and validate our emotions and needs, we learn that they are not important. If there’s not much emotion coaching when we are little, and high pay off for attention to others, we learn to disconnect from our bodies. This connects to the rule that “my needs are not as important as others”.
The second reason for chronic disconnect is because culturally we have developed some not-so-healthy patterns to cope. Ever experienced an inkling that that glass of wine (or chips or chocolate or lollies) feels more necessity than conscious choice? The habitual scrolling or binge-watching TV, ‘me-time’ that has an urgency and focus to it that brings on some irritability if interrupted.
These behaviours may be signs of a pattern of detached self-soothing. Soothing, because in the moment at least, they numb and distract from feelings in the body. Detached because they aren’t actually attending the need at hand.
I am surprisingly grateful to my little group of rogue cells because they gave me an opportunity to pause and become aware of my patterns. They taught me to pay attention and to tune into my nervous system. For me, this meant consciously prioritising time to breathe and come back into my body, giving it what it needed (rest, sometimes physical exertion and sometimes gentle movement).
My experience (with the right support) provided me with an invitation to re-write some of the rules and narratives that I had about work and self-care. There was healing and growth in this. And also, from learning and falling back into bad habits and then getting back on track again.
The thing is, though, once you become aware, once you experience an integration and responsiveness to you needs and nervous system, you can’t unknow this. Awareness plus knowledge and skills is transformative. And yes, I still enjoy a glass of wine, but this is now for pleasure, not detached self-soothing!